werking out

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I got 99 problems and hopefully all the fat related ones will start shrinking now that I’ve bit the bullet and joined Cross Fit. Yay ME! (feel free to say that in a very sarcastic tone)

What!? You scream in disbelief. Girl, you crazy. I hear you thinking. Yes my friends, I have truly lost my ever loving marbles. I just had my first class tonight and I am very happy to say I survived. It was a bit less traumatic than that time I started Insanity but then again I didn’t have a room full of cross fitters staring at me doing Insanity either.

I’m not going to lie and say it was fun or easy or awesome or anything remotely pleasant because lets be real here people – who likes working out? Ok, besides all the people who were just in that Cross Fit class I was in, who all appeared to oddly enough reallllly like working out. Though to be fair, I probably appeared to be having a grand time with that stupefied shit eating grin I was sporting the entire time. What other facial expression should you have in a room full of strangers that your squatting in front of?

So I’m starting small. If I can finish his week I will feel so proud of myself. Then I may aim for a month r something. Hopefully my interest won’t sputter out like with everything else exercise related. Maybe I will get to post one of those before after pictures in like a month when I get all jacked. How cool would that be. While surfing for a cool cross fit photo to use on this blog post I found a pregnant woman squatting and I promise you even she was more fit and capable than I am.

Lets review some reasons I despise working out:

  1. um, its hard duh
  2. afterward I not only look, but also feel like Jello
  3. it forces me to wash my hair more often, so lame
  4. rigormortis sets in for a few days
  5. takes up like all my tv time
  6. makes me hungrier, kinda defeating the purpose here
  7. makes me sleep like a dead person, hopefully we don’t have a fire tonight
  8. makes me sweaty which is unbecoming
  9. sometimes I pee my pants doing jumping jacks, I wish I were kidding
  10. takes me away from my family duties, oh ha that one goes on the pro side

The good news is they didn’t ask me what my goals were! I was terrified they were going to ask me what my goals were and luckily I didn’t have to make something up on the spot. I do need to think that one through though because if history is any indication of what kind of stupid shit will fly out of my mouth on the spot…. yikes, I don’t want to have to quit before I even technically join.

Oh and that post picture, sorry but really how could I not? Now nude cross fit would put a whole new spin on things. I would totally watch that. Could be dangerous though for men…

sickling

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My Friday night consisted of staying up wayyyy past my bedtime and being pantless. From an outsiders perspective I could see how that could be interpreted as fun but let me assure you, no part of my evening was fun. Ok well the part where C kept gagging was a little bit hilarious and I did drink a lot but it was Friday – TGIF.

Anyway the real story on why I was pantless was O got the vomits and it was bad. It started in my car, while I was driving.
That’s always a challenge – where to safely pull over? what to do with the mess? Panic mode. Cue gag reflex. I ended up using her clothes to wipe the carseat down as best I could and stuck her in W’s snowsuit. The whole car was just destroyed. It went everywhere.

I’m yelling “in the bag!” and W’s yelling “O, stop it! Your going to make me throw up!” and O’s yelling “I can’t stop!” It was very traumatic for all of us we were all crying and gagging and suffering.

About last night though, I thought for sure I was in the clear after that car episode. I had already cleaned the car, all the clothes, stuck O in the bath and changed my clothes, mostly because I just felt disgusting. Laid O on the couch and gave her and W popsicles, and then O perked up. She seemed better, she said she was hungry. In retrospect that was probably where I screwed myself but what do I know. So I made her dinner, and dessert of course. Chicken soup and an ice cream sandwich, and lots of crackers – and apparently she drank like a freaking gallon of water.

O fell asleep on the couch around 8.

C and I watched a few episodes of Arrow and I ended up carrying her into the bedroom with me around 10. We are a season behind everyone on Arrow so don’t tell me what happens.

I initially fell asleep easily, only to be assaulted by hot human vomit, partially digested Campbell’s Darth Vader noodles smacking me directly in my face. I sat up immediately in shock, familiar with the awful sound of human vomit expulsion, but also confused from being so abruptly shaken from a deep sleep, I was literally just on a picnic with Justin Bieber and Adam Sandler had brought fried chicken – so I was like really freaking disoriented and had that pins and needles feeling while trying to figure out where the hell I really was and what the F I should actually be doing.

Meanwhile O the human vomit hose was just expelling from her face in whichever direction I pointed her, I had no lights but I assume it was very similar to the infamous pea soup exorcist scene. As I mentioned the first explosion apparently went upward and then back downward all over us, I grabbed her up and hung her over the bed while simultaneously crawling through a warm pool of chunky liquid. No clue why I hung her over the bed, that was so stupid. She sprayed the wall and got the entire floor on her side of the bed really well, when my foot hit the floor I felt the heave of my gut while tender noodles squished up between my toes. Her head then started spinning in circles while she was screaming in latin! Just kidding, but she did spray the bathroom door, the bathroom floor and the glass shower door before I could get her over the toilet. Then I stood there debating whether or not to wake up C…

Oh hell yes. I stripped the bed while he cleaned the floor. He doesn’t handle vomit. He gags and retches like a little pussy. At least I was entertained while I was pulling layers off soaked linens the bed. What do you do? It sucks so bad. It smelled so bad. Preschool vomit is totally like real human vomit. Baby vomit isn’t even called vomit, it’s called “spit-up” because its from a baby and I guess that’s cuter than straight vomit. Our dog Lady throws up all the time because she has an internet-diagnosed eating disorder but I don’t even call that vomit, I refer to that as Barf, I think because it sound like “bark” and dogs bark so its one of those weird association things I guess…  The very worst dog barf I ever clean was when Lady ate an entire zucchini bunt cake I made for Easter. She ate the entire cake and barfed excessively all over my bedroom. That was even worse than the time she ate rocks, or the time she ate a bag of rotten chicken necks of the pier, even worse then the blanket, the carpet, and all the other inedible objects she has consumed then expelled.
The worst part of all this is W will be next. I saw them sharing their popsicles and another time I saw them sharing drinks, I wanted to yell and scream but whats the point? It was already done. She has been exposed. I am in for more. I’m sad.

fun & games

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Sometimes I call my mom and ask her if my kids are normal. I wonder if that’s normal. I would look on the internet but I’ve learned my lesson far too many times from doing that. The more recent child weirdness I’ve experienced is them making up their own shady games. I don’t get these games. The way the two of them laugh so freaking hard and hysterically it’s almost as if the games mean something I don’t get. Like an inside joke!  I finally couldn’t take it anymore and made O give me the low down on the two most popular games they have been playing.  Get ready for some ambiguity.

The top two weird games my kids play and created on their own.

  1. Grabby Goat. Yes. What the hell is that. O tried to explain.
    O “Someone puts a blanket on top of something and then someone grabs it off.”
    Um, ok.
    Me “like puts a blanket on top of some toys?”
    O “uh, noooo, only on top humans”
    Me “humans as in W?”
    O “well, yea, I always have to be the goat because W will just bite me. She always tries to bite me and she bit me in my arm, see?”
  2. Man in his Truck. There was no plausible explanation for this alleged game. O said the game is that W pretends to be a “man, in his truck” when she wears our dog, Lady’s pink doggles. Doggles are Dog sunglasses/goggles. So W puts the pink Doggles on then both of them run wildly around the entire house screaming “man in his truck! man in his truck! man in his truck!” like coked up maniacs. I have so many unanswered questions. Why she is a man? What do doggles have to do with a truck? I tried to press O for additional background on this game to no avail. Trade secrets maybe.

I may never understand the inner workings of preschool minds or their methods for developing games. It may just be an excuse to run around the house and act crazy, I wish they would create a quiet game, maybe they could pretend to be Cinderella and clean the whole house? Now that’s a game I can get behind.

 

brownie time

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I love baking! Said me, never…    oh, wait great idea!!!!

5 hours later.

So that statement reminded me of those Most Interesting Man in the World memes – and I thought to myself “ohhhhh, you should make one about Baking!”

Like, “I don’t always Bake — But when I do I make a huge fucking mess to remind myself not to do it again anytime soon.”

Stupid, I know, seriously, I KNOW. But what’s worse is the amount of time I just lost of my life reading other peoples hysterical memes. Ugh so funny! How? They are the same over and over and over — and yet STILL FUNNY. Every time.

Ok, so I got some new toys at home I’ve been playing with and decided to make a home movie of the girls baking. It’s long and boring and resulted in me learning (after the fact) that I should not be distributing my baking to any one else, ever due to the unsanitary practices of my children. But the good news is I am learning how to use my software editing program and my various cameras.

so anyway here goes.


▶FOLLOW ME ON YOUTUBE for more stupid videos, hopefully they’ll get better – but no promises.

Amber Unraveled YouTube Channel

 

 

facetime

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O just gave this to me. This is an exact replica of Me FaceTiming an erupting Volcano. As you can see there are clear signs of concernicus written all over my face during this call, but don’t you worry O assured me that though she was on site at that volcano during its eruption she was in the bushes, and the lava was going the other way. Phew. I’m even anxiety ridden in my stick figure form.

post snow epiphanies

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I learned so much so far in this blizzard. See as follows so you can learn from my errors and be prepared next time, which apparently may be sooner than we all hoped – and by sooner I mean anytime 2016 this side of summer.

  1. Ration your snacks. I ate all my snacks Friday night and had to suffer the rest of the weekend on sub par ordinary snacks, it was awful.
  2. Buy extra crafts for your children (or yourself). I bought a bag of crafts Thursday and as I was being given the snowmagedon rundown my thieving childrens found my bag and blew through the stash. Little shits.
  3. In addition to toilet paper make sure you have laundry detergent and dishwasher detergent! I mean seriously??? I get stuck in my house for a long weekend and instead of being productive and washing stuff I ran out of BOTH types of detergents. This is like my personal ADD and compulsive cleaning hell.
  4. Don’t lift huge pieces of frozen salt over your head because in the middle of the night when you scratch your scalp you will flip your shit when you feel the crumbles that fell into your hair and think you have bugs or lice or crabs or some other disgusting something in your head. I was mostly asleep so the first thing I thought was “sand” from the beach today… Wait – WHAT!!!!?????? The salt blocks were SO frozen I had to use a sledge hammer to crack them then lifted them over my head to heave them to the ground, yes I’m like Thor, so very strong.
  5. Get water proof gloves. Dammit.
  6. Rent lots of movies with sexy men. Because. (actually does anybody rent movies anymore? oh well.)
  7. Make sure you buy cough drops. As much as I screamed at my children this weekend by Sunday my throat was very sore. I really needed some. Wine sufficed, but lets be real here what isn’t it good for. Except for carpet, wine is never good for the carpet.
  8. ok, I realllly wanted this to be a ten items list but I’m out of additional tips for now.
  9. STAY WARM!
  10. Just seeing ten on here makes me happy even if this is just bogus words to fill space. Don’t Judge!

 

storm prep

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We get snow out here where we live, a lot. It’s no big deal, we are used to it. Plus C plows so I am used to riding the storm out solo. Yes it’s lame and boring but now that I have kids (and cable) I have entertainment.

This year though we haven’t had any snow. No white winter, not even real cold until this week. Now we are supposed to have a blowout. Like mother nature has been constipated all winter and instead of her regular small to medium snowstorms she drank a cup of my “smooth-move tea”, which by the way is anything but smooth, and we are all in for a massive system evacuation.

C went full throttle too on the precautionary measures, he got a generator, a kerosine heater AND left me a machine to attempt plowing our driveway. It almost begs the question – ummmmm, what about all the previous years??? He must realize that if something happens to me, he will have two children to take care of so he’s terrified. It makes sense.

Sooooo C gave me the run down on all the man-chores I would be required to perform. I call them man chores because most ladies men do these chores, because their outdoorsey and dangerous and most women tend to the kids and are usually barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, cooking their men dinner like a real woman should. Hahahah thats’s a total joke we all know I don’t cook. Anyway, it was pretty a very disturbing evening for me and my nerves.

C gave thorough and specific directions which my brain translated as follows;

  • do not touch the hot end of the power cord after you plug it into the running generator – or you will get electrocuted and YOU WILL DIE.
  • do not forget to open the garage after you start the generator – or everyone WILL DIE.
  • do not forget to turn on the generator if the power goes out – or everyone will freeze AND DIE. And the pipes in the house will burst, but you will be DEAD either way, whichever happens first.
  • when the power goes out first turn off all the breakers in the house before tuning on the generator – or it will catch on fire, blow up, explode, I can’t remember what happens but it would be very very bad, IMMINENT DEATH.
  • when the power comes back on first turn off the generator then turn the breakers back on or it will… see above, IMMINENT DEATH.
  • directions for the kerosine heater and the skid loader were very much the same.

The good news is we are in Day 1 of snowmagedon 2016 and we have had no casualties. Spirits are up and we are hanging on to hope. (hope of C coming home and doing all this BS work so I don’t have to) I will keep you all posted.

 

 

candy necklaces

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Home made candy necklace, or bracelet. Remember candy necklaces? My kids don’t because we are sugar free. We are also grain free, hormone free, glucose free, pesticide free, vegetable free, meat free and least but not least sanity free. Just kidding. But seriously who eats holes through their food. She doesn’t eat like a normal human but more like a caterpillar.

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