post snow epiphanies

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I learned so much so far in this blizzard. See as follows so you can learn from my errors and be prepared next time, which apparently may be sooner than we all hoped – and by sooner I mean anytime 2016 this side of summer.

  1. Ration your snacks. I ate all my snacks Friday night and had to suffer the rest of the weekend on sub par ordinary snacks, it was awful.
  2. Buy extra crafts for your children (or yourself). I bought a bag of crafts Thursday and as I was being given the snowmagedon rundown my thieving childrens found my bag and blew through the stash. Little shits.
  3. In addition to toilet paper make sure you have laundry detergent and dishwasher detergent! I mean seriously??? I get stuck in my house for a long weekend and instead of being productive and washing stuff I ran out of BOTH types of detergents. This is like my personal ADD and compulsive cleaning hell.
  4. Don’t lift huge pieces of frozen salt over your head because in the middle of the night when you scratch your scalp you will flip your shit when you feel the crumbles that fell into your hair and think you have bugs or lice or crabs or some other disgusting something in your head. I was mostly asleep so the first thing I thought was “sand” from the beach today… Wait – WHAT!!!!?????? The salt blocks were SO frozen I had to use a sledge hammer to crack them then lifted them over my head to heave them to the ground, yes I’m like Thor, so very strong.
  5. Get water proof gloves. Dammit.
  6. Rent lots of movies with sexy men. Because. (actually does anybody rent movies anymore? oh well.)
  7. Make sure you buy cough drops. As much as I screamed at my children this weekend by Sunday my throat was very sore. I really needed some. Wine sufficed, but lets be real here what isn’t it good for. Except for carpet, wine is never good for the carpet.
  8. ok, I realllly wanted this to be a ten items list but I’m out of additional tips for now.
  9. STAY WARM!
  10. Just seeing ten on here makes me happy even if this is just bogus words to fill space. Don’t Judge!

 

storm prep

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We get snow out here where we live, a lot. It’s no big deal, we are used to it. Plus C plows so I am used to riding the storm out solo. Yes it’s lame and boring but now that I have kids (and cable) I have entertainment.

This year though we haven’t had any snow. No white winter, not even real cold until this week. Now we are supposed to have a blowout. Like mother nature has been constipated all winter and instead of her regular small to medium snowstorms she drank a cup of my “smooth-move tea”, which by the way is anything but smooth, and we are all in for a massive system evacuation.

C went full throttle too on the precautionary measures, he got a generator, a kerosine heater AND left me a machine to attempt plowing our driveway. It almost begs the question – ummmmm, what about all the previous years??? He must realize that if something happens to me, he will have two children to take care of so he’s terrified. It makes sense.

Sooooo C gave me the run down on all the man-chores I would be required to perform. I call them man chores because most ladies men do these chores, because their outdoorsey and dangerous and most women tend to the kids and are usually barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, cooking their men dinner like a real woman should. Hahahah thats’s a total joke we all know I don’t cook. Anyway, it was pretty a very disturbing evening for me and my nerves.

C gave thorough and specific directions which my brain translated as follows;

  • do not touch the hot end of the power cord after you plug it into the running generator – or you will get electrocuted and YOU WILL DIE.
  • do not forget to open the garage after you start the generator – or everyone WILL DIE.
  • do not forget to turn on the generator if the power goes out – or everyone will freeze AND DIE. And the pipes in the house will burst, but you will be DEAD either way, whichever happens first.
  • when the power goes out first turn off all the breakers in the house before tuning on the generator – or it will catch on fire, blow up, explode, I can’t remember what happens but it would be very very bad, IMMINENT DEATH.
  • when the power comes back on first turn off the generator then turn the breakers back on or it will… see above, IMMINENT DEATH.
  • directions for the kerosine heater and the skid loader were very much the same.

The good news is we are in Day 1 of snowmagedon 2016 and we have had no casualties. Spirits are up and we are hanging on to hope. (hope of C coming home and doing all this BS work so I don’t have to) I will keep you all posted.

 

 

candy necklaces

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Home made candy necklace, or bracelet. Remember candy necklaces? My kids don’t because we are sugar free. We are also grain free, hormone free, glucose free, pesticide free, vegetable free, meat free and least but not least sanity free. Just kidding. But seriously who eats holes through their food. She doesn’t eat like a normal human but more like a caterpillar.

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the ocean

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I don’t get in the ocean. It’s lovely and amazing and beautiful and terrifying. Like a million people got bitten by sharks this year. That’s all anyone heard about all summer. Shark bites, shark bites, and the devastatingly substantial increase in the amount of shark attacks. The crazy part is according to the research C and I did on the subject there was a similar amount of shark attacks last year and the year before. At least that was what we found on the internet, and C’s phone has since gotten a weird virus so maybe that website was sketchy to say the least but either way… I don’t know what the truth is about the amount of shark bites but I’m not getting in (and neither are my kids) so it doesn’t much matter.

C and I debated the subject – he assured me the probability of me getting bitten by a shark while at the beach was probably statistically about the same as me winning the lottery.

I laughed at him and told him the following; 

I am as scared of sharks as I am many items in the ocean. My fear is equally divided among these oceanic atrocities;

  1. sharks
  2. zombies
  3. sink holes
  4. rip tides
  5. sting rays (and skates)
  6. seaweed
  7. jellyfish

All that stuff is both appalling and while maybe not factually accurate, I am a relativity reasonable human being and while I logically know there are no zombies in the ocean fear cannot be rationalized. I’ve seen far too many under sea movies of frothy faced carcasses grabbing peoples legs and pulling them down to Davy Jones’s locker not to be able to visualize that happening to me while waist deep. No thank you.

holiday cheer

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I asked O what I should blog about and after we got past the “I don’t know what your even talking about, blogs” like I was talking to some ninety year old woman who says the word “blogs” with such utter disdain and sheer resentment for what the world has come to… sheesh you are four.

anyway we agreed I should write about funny stuff that happened over the holiday break. My funny compared to her funny may be a little different but she had a good idea mentioning our Christmas Elf – Flounder.

My kids got the shaft, actually it was just O because Flounder had been around longer than W. I was walking around Marshalls and saw this sorry looking Elf on the Shelf knock off brand and figured “who cares what it looks like, right?” Little did I know it was going to blow up into this huge Christmas tradition that everyone talks about. I feel bad because Flounder is so ugly, and a bit scary looking but I am scared the girls will freak out if I try to upgrade to the normal commercial Elves that everybody else has.

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The girls LOVE Flounder though and they are SO into Elf on the shelf. Grandmom babysat a few days before Christmas. I started getting frantic texts the girls were both hysterically crying she had accidentally knocked Flounder off the door frame and then TOUCHED HIM OMG.

I had to hide in an office and make the shape of the heart with my hands and text it back to O so she knew that code meant Flounder would still have enough Christmas magic to get back to Santa.

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I also ran out of “secret candy” the girls didn’t know about and started using some from our own stash and they were PISSED. O was like Flounder is a thief! 

Effing Flounder has it rough man. I get so annoyed with the shit I have to make Flounder do then clean up that I really lame out on his mischief. Our Elf is really laid back and typically very considerate of my time and energy.

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Other random funny shit.

Chris hiding on the ceiling then waiting patiently for me to walk in the bathroom to scare the hell out of me for no reason at all. I don’t know how long he had to wait. Weirdo.

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O using her birthday makeup to make W look like a hooker.

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A grown ass man riding a pink tricycle.

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