Tag Archives: humor

grumpy gills

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doctor-who-20

Nothing serious. Just that nagging feeling that starts building up one iota at a time… sat in traffic for two hours, binged on multiple bags of chips, haven’t worked out, haven’t lost any weight (duh, chips much…) haven’t gotten any call-backs, am dead zombie tired, all is lost, where is my life going, what is the meaning of existence… you know that kind of gloom. It’s even a gloomy day. And once you start feeling sorry for yourself every red light you catch, every stubbed toe, every damn overcooked meal feels like 100 additional pounds weighing down on your shoulders. Until you crack. Bring forth the waterworks. Heavy stuff, shoulder shaking, air gasping – reaching to the sky and screaming out kind. Think like the movies. But it’s so true, and once you start sobbing like a little baby it almost feels good. So you start thinking of all the awful horrible things that have happened to you and make yourself cry even harder. My personal favorite is to cry in the car, I like to turn on a miserable song – something by Sarah McLachlan and just reminisce about every bad thing that ever happened in my life. My BFF says she like to do it in the shower, just lean up against the wall and let the hot water beat you down in defeat and sob your little heart out. Ahhhh. I need that soon. I actually feel better already just talking about it.

audition time

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Well, this is it my friends. Time to see if my one improvisation class has paid off yet. Picture this; stranded woman on highway rescued by mysterious trucker who – gasp – turns out to be a ghost?! Insert shrieks, trembles, sobs and shakey hands here. This is for a legit show too. I need to go practice stat while my kids aren’t home. Somehow I also need to video tape this myself… this could get interesting. Hopefully my neighbors don’t call the police, or see me doing this – period. They already have to think I’m crazy, especially after I bought all those chickens. I’m sure the HOA just love, love, loves me.

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But, in other things exciting we have improve class deuce tonight! I am actually very – very excited. I’ve been practicing all week. Totally bouncing ideas off my three year old. She is so good. I’ll ask her something standard like “O, come over here so I can brush your hair” and she comes back at me with “It’s growing so long because I take my vitamins, it’s going to grow down my back, and out the window, and over the cliff, and over the train tracks, and then the train will just run it over.” Seriously. I can’t make that up. Like I said, she is so good!

I even ordered Whose Line is it Anyway? off Amazon. Going to get myself all pumped up before class, get some ideas and stuff so I can go in fresh. I love getting excited about stuff; like Christmas, and my birthday, and losing 3 lbs after a really bad stomach virus. You know it’s the small stuff that just adds up.

Ok. I gotta go get my scream on. I’ll keep everyone posted, unless I don’t get a call-back then I will never speak of this again. PEACE.

yes, and

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Taking a quick lunch break from my regularly scheduled programming (i.e. work) to update ya’ll on this new adventure I have embarked on. I enrolled in an Improv class last night, and it was AWESOME.

This is my self-proclaimed year of change and I have committed to stop procrastinating and making up excuses and as Nike has so eloquently put it Just Do It. Yea I know, that was so lame, but guess what I don’t even care. I’m running on no sleep, extra caffeine and leftover adrenaline from doing something new, that I love but that also terrifies me. It’s the weirdest thing; I love being in the spotlight but at the same time I get so much gut wrenching anxiety thinking about it. I don’t know how to explain it. I’m like an adrenaline junkie who loves the rush of possibly being awesome and making everyone laugh or totally bombing and looking like the biggest terd, ever.

The teacher was totally fantastic too. She was so Melissa McCarthy. I mean, I laughed just looking at her. (I was also jacked on coffee so I was laughing at everything) Getting there was hard though, it was deep in the city which is a total recipe in my book for a panic attack. I actually got there ok, found parking ok and found the building ok – locked and closed but ok. After pacing the block back and forth looking for a way in a random guy in a fedora walked over let me in the back door. Yes it was sketchy inside and very Alice in Wonderlandish as I then followed a ballerina into a dark stairwell to the theatre in the basement, complete with naked paintings hung on the walls. But the class was so cool and we played all these confidence building games and learned some Improv basics like yes, and. Which means “yes” – you always have to agree with your scene partner “and” – you have to build on what they said with something relevant to continue the conversation.

I felt so Who’s Line is it Anyway? which is by the way such an awesome show if you’ve never scene it. Blah! Had to, sorry. More to come on how I put my foot in my mouth, it always happens.

insanity

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It’s been a rough couple of years child bearing and rearing so I haven’t had the time (uh, energy, emotional or physical wherewithal or just flat out motivation) to step foot in a gym (or go downstairs and workout in my home gym). Excuses range from why would I get in shape when I am just going to wreck my body getting pregnant again? To the actual fact that O cries hysterically every time I even mention going to the gym.

Recently however, I have seen all these transformation posts on Instagram and I’ve decided it’s time to get my pancake butt in gear. So I joined this 21 day fitness challenge group and it’s pretty awesome. We have to report to the group on our workouts so it makes us somewhat accountable, we have to do meal planning and we are all doing the same dvd workout series together so we are all suffering equally. The workout series we’ve been directed to follow is called Insanity and it’s literally named that because you have to be some sort of insane freak of nature to keep up with the people in these videos. It’s a total whirlwind of throwing your body around and jumping and squatting and running and all this other crap that seems easy but at 100mph for the full 45 minutes it’s straight insane. Ahhhhhh-haaaaa. Today’s my fourth day and I am so proud of myself. Although I do it alone now because C was laughing so hard at me during the first video it was a distraction. He said I wasn’t doing anything they were doing. It doesn’t matter though because whatever I was doing was killing me too. During the workouts all I hear is the thumping of my own heart in my ears and I don’t see anything because my eyes are usually closed and I pant harder than an old dog tied to a tree on a hot summer day. But whatever. I am really trying to get looking pre-baby before Memorial Day and at this rate it just might happen. And that is totally insane.

we are so over

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I have a problem; acknowledgement is the first step so I’ve heard. I’ve been conditioned by a big box retailer and I know I’m not the only one. I mean, I’ve seen E-Cards on Pinterest that tout the same phenomenon so it must be an epidemic if it’s made it to an E-Card. We’re talking Target here if you haven’t guessed yet. It’s a quintessential black hole. There is something magical (and by that I mean illegal) pumping out of their ventilation system. I’m convinced of this because no matter how much I tell myself I’m not there to “shop” but to merely restock the toilet paper I inevitably end up redecorating a room in my house by the time I leave, which by the way is usually an easy 5 hours later. How do they do it? They just suck you in, that innocent red and white circle thing beckoning to you from the side of the highway… It reminds me of that all-seeing eye from Lord of the Rings. How can I be so focused on picking up cat litter one minute and the next be totally obsessed, and convinced I need curtains? I can’t even let myself shop there, no self control, it’s depressing! For example, last winter I bought a bikini, I was 8 months pregnant. Who does that?

Things included in my last excursion include; an oversized bean bag (seemed like a good idea at the time) new collar for my dog (WTF??) sunglasses (ehhh) an iPhone wallet (which I haven’t even used!!!) diapers (okay this is totally legit) a topiary (who doesn’t need fake potted grass?)

The only way I am able to curb my spending these days is to totally avoid Target.

Dearest Target, (after today) – wait, let me explain – Easter is this weekend and I NEED some stuff for the girls baskets, but that’s it though, after today our relationship is over. I’m kicking you to the curb, and theres no hard feelings for potentially exposing my credit card information to hackers. But I am done wasting money on you. Don’t call me. Seriously though – don’t call. GoodBye.

celebrity look alike

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Twice now I’ve been told I look like Ashley Tisdale. Actually, once I was told I looked like her and the other time a boy’s dad approached me at a cook out and told me his son had said “Look Dad, Ashley Tisdale is here and she’s pregnant!” Thankfully I really was pregnant or that would have been pretty awkward.

However, recently I was approached and asked if I had seen the new TV series Supernatural. I haven’t seen Supernatural but as this was a random stranger approaching me I patiently waited for his complimentary comparison to some relatively attractive girl on the show who probably makes a zillion times the money I do. Then he hit me with “Well, there are these demons…” Okay, whoa – never have I been compared to some supernatural demon before. (at least to my face) Not sure where he was going with that one but apparently my black as coal eyes with a lack of any humanity reflected in them persuaded him to express the uncanny resemblance I had to a straight up demon. Nice. Kind of explains a lot since I often compare my absolutely gorgeous children to demons. Guess I can’t blame everything on their daddy’s genes anymore.