real men actively participate in child rearing, for example taking their young childrens to gymnastics. I know what your thinking but it still counts even if the leotard is installed backwards and the poor child has a perma wedgie all class.
Tag Archives: funny
real men series 1
real men carry the groceries in for their ladies. all at one time. every single bag. one trip. boom. then they ruin it by saying something stupid like “make me dinner woman“. but mine doesn’t do that because for 1, he knows all I bought was junk food anyway and for 2, I don’t know how to cook so anything I made would likely make him vomit, or at least feel very ill. lucky guy.
bedtime games
Bedtime Games is one of the most serious and intense games out there for parents and children to participate in. My advice is Pregame Hard. Play with caution. Play with integrity. Play to win. And most of all, stay strong my fellow parents – stay strong to fight another day.
barbie
4 adult men watching Barbie’s a Pony Tale because of that small fry up front. Girl Boss – at the age of 2.
holiday cheer
I asked O what I should blog about and after we got past the “I don’t know what your even talking about, blogs” like I was talking to some ninety year old woman who says the word “blogs” with such utter disdain and sheer resentment for what the world has come to… sheesh you are four.
anyway we agreed I should write about funny stuff that happened over the holiday break. My funny compared to her funny may be a little different but she had a good idea mentioning our Christmas Elf – Flounder.
My kids got the shaft, actually it was just O because Flounder had been around longer than W. I was walking around Marshalls and saw this sorry looking Elf on the Shelf knock off brand and figured “who cares what it looks like, right?” Little did I know it was going to blow up into this huge Christmas tradition that everyone talks about. I feel bad because Flounder is so ugly, and a bit scary looking but I am scared the girls will freak out if I try to upgrade to the normal commercial Elves that everybody else has.
The girls LOVE Flounder though and they are SO into Elf on the shelf. Grandmom babysat a few days before Christmas. I started getting frantic texts the girls were both hysterically crying she had accidentally knocked Flounder off the door frame and then TOUCHED HIM OMG.
I had to hide in an office and make the shape of the heart with my hands and text it back to O so she knew that code meant Flounder would still have enough Christmas magic to get back to Santa.
I also ran out of “secret candy” the girls didn’t know about and started using some from our own stash and they were PISSED. O was like Flounder is a thief!
Effing Flounder has it rough man. I get so annoyed with the shit I have to make Flounder do then clean up that I really lame out on his mischief. Our Elf is really laid back and typically very considerate of my time and energy.
Other random funny shit.
Chris hiding on the ceiling then waiting patiently for me to walk in the bathroom to scare the hell out of me for no reason at all. I don’t know how long he had to wait. Weirdo.
O using her birthday makeup to make W look like a hooker.
A grown ass man riding a pink tricycle.
sorry santa
I took the girls to see Santa last minute, literally just for the picture. I dressed them up and we waited an atrocious period of time to see him since we arrived on his “scheduled break”. Thanks a lot Cranberry Mall website for mentioning that.
Anyway we were next in line and W says “HOLD ME”.
I pick her up and she grabs a big chunk of my hair and breathes heavily in my ear and all over my neck as I squirm not knowing whether she will scream or bite me or what the heck she plans on doing…
She suddenly whispers “I’m going to poop on Santa’s lap.”
no words.
"I'm just a KID mom"
Every once in a while I get lucky and witness the girls playing together peacefully, cuddling or otherwise just being totally adorable. O has been teaching W songs recently (when they aren’t throwing down or scaring the shizzle out of each other). O stages W in her “acting scenes” and makes her “say her lines“. It’s adorable. She helps her sing “you are my sunshine” and has been working on ABC’s and numbers with her.
I’m not entirely sure what I witnessed O teaching W last night but it was so cute I had to spy-video it. I got it perfectly on film. I do however have a feeling it won’t be as cute if they actually use this one-liner on me anytime soon. Though I might be impressed at the methodology and thought behind it.
potty
We have a book “everybody potties”. Girls do it, boys do it, Grandma does it,Kitty does it, Puppy does it… and that’s basically the book. It’s cute and its that thick cardboard so your kids can chew on it and won’t be able to shred all the pages into subway lettuce like a gerbil in heat. Why do kids shred paper? It’s like this instinctual impulse to just destroy, everything. I can;t even build blocks with my kids because it’s always a fight. O has got the hang of it finally but W is like Godzilla still, no building or structure is safe. Maybe they learned it from the dog? She is a major shredder though her specialty is diapers. She doesn’t like the clean ones, the dirtier the better, it’s a sickness really.
Anyway I found this image of our book, I keep it in the car for light reading in traffic.
So I got this for O when she was small and W likes to read it in the car. All you have to say is “Pee-pee” and they go ape-shit laughing like hyenas on crack. If you say “Poop” there’s no coming back from that you will likley have an accident of some sort.
SOOO on to the point, O was begging me to read her “book” she is obsessed with making books these days, and I am annoyed because like any real mom I am always trying to do something that requires my full attention and I am never able to give my full attention to anything because someone is inevitably always requiring something of me AT ALL TIMES > wow, that seems harsh and awkward and a little violent but you know what I’m saying don’t act like you don’t.
So I take a break from whatever it is I am doing to look at her book because. And this is what I find…
Cover. Awwww. She can write her name so I am not sure what this says but it has a heart and a little girl so I say “Awwww”
Page 1. WHAT??? HAHAHHA OMG this is a COMEDY, ok damn well if I knew that I would have read it a long time ago, I LOVE comedies. Dude. Leslie Patricelli better watch her back because O is like totally as good an artist, (if not better since she’s 4) than that lady’s artist, or that lady if she does her own artwork.
then this page. BOOM > that’s what I’m screaming. what. She is clearly on the potty and she is doing her thang. Now, don’t be judgy – I don;t know if that’s the sink or one of those things you use on the beach to search for coins and other relativley metal things, or maybe she’s watching her iPad? I’m not sure, but you know what, it doesn’t even matter. Because my 4 year old writes books biatches and I can actually read them. I am like SO PROUD. She is so funny. And awesome and cute and smart and I just want to SQUEEZE her so hard that her eyes bug out. But in a loving way not a violent way.
Oh BTW when I was looking for the potty book image I found this:
This is so going in C’s stocking this year. I might buy everyone one.
interpretation
I love stories about the funny shit kids do.
Yesterday one of my co-workers was showing me a video of his grandkids singing him happy birthday. Three pretty girls cute as buttons singing away, I don’t recall exact ages but an infant, a four year old and maybe it was a seven year old. Anyway they sing happy birthday and the four year old leans over to the baby and just blows in her face! Of course I busted out laughing and said “what did she do that for??” and my co-worker responds with “oh, she’s breath feeding her”. Apparently she blows in the babies face and thinks she is breast feeding! I love it!. That poor baby is probably like WTF?!
Funny thing is, this story jogged my ever foggy brain and I recalled a similar situation. I searched my computer and found the video I had of O just a couple months over two and her interpretation of me pumping.
I don’t want to post the video because, well let’s face it – she will probably be super-mega famous one day and I don’t want her to hate me for the paparazzi getting a hold of a video of her in the bath as a toddler with her business all showing. So here is a harmless pic of her “pumping”.
What the H E double hockey sticks, right? Probably better that I didn’t post the video because I’m all snorting and laughing like “What are you doing?” and she’s all cool like, “duhhhh mommy – I’m pumping with my bungee.”
HAH. Kids.
she feel it
I caught this when I was working at the kitchen table. Stupid me, why do I always shoot videos the wrong direction? I mess the good ones up every. single. time.