My Friday night consisted of staying up wayyyy past my bedtime and being pantless. From an outsiders perspective I could see how that could be interpreted as fun but let me assure you, no part of my evening was fun. Ok well the part where C kept gagging was a little bit hilarious and I did drink a lot but it was Friday – TGIF.
Anyway the real story on why I was pantless was O got the vomits and it was bad. It started in my car, while I was driving.
That’s always a challenge – where to safely pull over? what to do with the mess? Panic mode. Cue gag reflex. I ended up using her clothes to wipe the carseat down as best I could and stuck her in W’s snowsuit. The whole car was just destroyed. It went everywhere.
I’m yelling “in the bag!” and W’s yelling “O, stop it! Your going to make me throw up!” and O’s yelling “I can’t stop!” It was very traumatic for all of us we were all crying and gagging and suffering.
About last night though, I thought for sure I was in the clear after that car episode. I had already cleaned the car, all the clothes, stuck O in the bath and changed my clothes, mostly because I just felt disgusting. Laid O on the couch and gave her and W popsicles, and then O perked up. She seemed better, she said she was hungry. In retrospect that was probably where I screwed myself but what do I know. So I made her dinner, and dessert of course. Chicken soup and an ice cream sandwich, and lots of crackers – and apparently she drank like a freaking gallon of water.
O fell asleep on the couch around 8.
C and I watched a few episodes of Arrow and I ended up carrying her into the bedroom with me around 10. We are a season behind everyone on Arrow so don’t tell me what happens.
I initially fell asleep easily, only to be assaulted by hot human vomit, partially digested Campbell’s Darth Vader noodles smacking me directly in my face. I sat up immediately in shock, familiar with the awful sound of human vomit expulsion, but also confused from being so abruptly shaken from a deep sleep, I was literally just on a picnic with Justin Bieber and Adam Sandler had brought fried chicken – so I was like really freaking disoriented and had that pins and needles feeling while trying to figure out where the hell I really was and what the F I should actually be doing.
Meanwhile O the human vomit hose was just expelling from her face in whichever direction I pointed her, I had no lights but I assume it was very similar to the infamous pea soup exorcist scene. As I mentioned the first explosion apparently went upward and then back downward all over us, I grabbed her up and hung her over the bed while simultaneously crawling through a warm pool of chunky liquid. No clue why I hung her over the bed, that was so stupid. She sprayed the wall and got the entire floor on her side of the bed really well, when my foot hit the floor I felt the heave of my gut while tender noodles squished up between my toes. Her head then started spinning in circles while she was screaming in latin! Just kidding, but she did spray the bathroom door, the bathroom floor and the glass shower door before I could get her over the toilet. Then I stood there debating whether or not to wake up C…
Oh hell yes. I stripped the bed while he cleaned the floor. He doesn’t handle vomit. He gags and retches like a little pussy. At least I was entertained while I was pulling layers off soaked linens the bed. What do you do? It sucks so bad. It smelled so bad. Preschool vomit is totally like real human vomit. Baby vomit isn’t even called vomit, it’s called “spit-up” because its from a baby and I guess that’s cuter than straight vomit. Our dog Lady throws up all the time because she has an internet-diagnosed eating disorder but I don’t even call that vomit, I refer to that as Barf, I think because it sound like “bark” and dogs bark so its one of those weird association things I guess… The very worst dog barf I ever clean was when Lady ate an entire zucchini bunt cake I made for Easter. She ate the entire cake and barfed excessively all over my bedroom. That was even worse than the time she ate rocks, or the time she ate a bag of rotten chicken necks of the pier, even worse then the blanket, the carpet, and all the other inedible objects she has consumed then expelled.
The worst part of all this is W will be next. I saw them sharing their popsicles and another time I saw them sharing drinks, I wanted to yell and scream but whats the point? It was already done. She has been exposed. I am in for more. I’m sad.
