con·trol freak
noun/informal
a person who feels an obsessive need to exercise control over themselves and others and to take command of any situation.

Urban Dictionary – control freak
Person/persons who, if not in control of many aspects in other’s lives will go ballistic. This ensues telling, demanding, and finally just doing what they wanted all along.

O had new student orientation last Friday and all I can say is oh my goooodnes. Sitting in the chilly cafeteria with all the other families and their kindergarteners made me feel more neurotic than ever. Note to self: O will need a sweater in her backpack its cold in here. I looked around at all the kids with their backpacks full of school supplies, dammit. Why didn’t I think of that? I stuffed mine in a plastic bag. Ghetto. No matter. TEN GLUE STICKS???? How did I read that wrong, I only bought EIGHT?! WTF is wrong with me???? Double Dog Dammit, I am failing as a parental unit.

BUT I had my notepad and my pen. I brought a predetermined appropriate list of questions, listed by priority in case no one else asks questions, I can’t ask all the questions, that’s bad etiquette. But I can strategically sprinkle a few in between others questions though so it appears mine are off the cuff, and I’m relaxed and they have just popped in my head – no biggie. Pen in hand, pressed to my perfectly purse sized notebook in anticipation of the Principals presentation and the wealth of information on policy and rules that was about to be bestowed on us nervous and anxious parents, but alas I looked around at the bored and relaxed faces around me and wondered – are they anxious? They didn’t look anxious. BTW, that was one sesame street sentence wasn’t it? Like seven P’s in one fell swoop. Anyway, I’m sitting there waiting to be enlightened and the principal starts informing, but it’s so loud in the cafeteria… kids are noisy and there are mumblings all around and its like the perfect ambient noise level to just compete with all the presenters normal talking voices, NO MICS?
Note to self, get this school a microphone.
Ummmm.
Note to self, join PTA – sell stuff, wash cars, do whatever needs to be done – get Microphone.
This is crazy I can’t hear anything. I start feeling the back of my neck prickle, like I’m missing the directions! I’m not going to know what to do!!! I want to cup my hands around ears like annoyed people do to strain to hear something when their peers are being rude but I can’t be THAT MOM. OMG. OMG. OMG. I’m looking at C frantically and he’s staring at the principal but I know for a fact he can’t hear shit, his hearing is worse than mine, he’s thinking of vacation or work or something totally unrelated, he might even be sleeping with his eyes open. FOR GODS SAKE PEOPLE. And I’m defeated. I can’t hear and I’m looking around and no one else seems stressed, it’s got to be because they all have older siblings that’s the only logical explanation, though it’s really not logical at all because they would have brought their older siblings there with them, right? They wouldn’t have left them home alone, they probably aren’t old enough, and they need to see their new teachers too right? And all this time boy scouts are selling popcorn in the hallway and I hate the smell of popcorn its so offensive, and I’m using so so many commas because let’s be honest none of these are complete thoughts so a period isn’t required, right?

Deep breath, deep breath.

No one asked questions. How did no one have questions? So I will have to ask questions privately. Great. I actually have legitimate questions, like is this school peanut free? I just want to know, no, I mean I NEED TO KNOW. Suddenly it’s freaking LIFE OR DEATH whether I can make a goddam peanut butter and jelly sandwich for O’s lunch. I guess technically that may be a poor choice of words because it really is life or death if a peanut allergy is involved, but you get the drift. FOR THE LOVE OF TORTILLAS, I got an email saying lunch won’t be served the first day of school because it was going to be a HALF DAY!!!!!! THAT’S A BIG DEAL! No one here thought that was a big deal? No one here reads those Carroll County Public School emails????? Well just so you all know I read them and I asked because it was a big deal and they said that was meant to go to a private school not for everyone and it was an accident.

someone help me.