Category Archives: my daily life

the ocean

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I don’t get in the ocean. It’s lovely and amazing and beautiful and terrifying. Like a million people got bitten by sharks this year. That’s all anyone heard about all summer. Shark bites, shark bites, and the devastatingly substantial increase in the amount of shark attacks. The crazy part is according to the research C and I did on the subject there was a similar amount of shark attacks last year and the year before. At least that was what we found on the internet, and C’s phone has since gotten a weird virus so maybe that website was sketchy to say the least but either way… I don’t know what the truth is about the amount of shark bites but I’m not getting in (and neither are my kids) so it doesn’t much matter.

C and I debated the subject – he assured me the probability of me getting bitten by a shark while at the beach was probably statistically about the same as me winning the lottery.

I laughed at him and told him the following; 

I am as scared of sharks as I am many items in the ocean. My fear is equally divided among these oceanic atrocities;

  1. sharks
  2. zombies
  3. sink holes
  4. rip tides
  5. sting rays (and skates)
  6. seaweed
  7. jellyfish

All that stuff is both appalling and while maybe not factually accurate, I am a relativity reasonable human being and while I logically know there are no zombies in the ocean fear cannot be rationalized. I’ve seen far too many under sea movies of frothy faced carcasses grabbing peoples legs and pulling them down to Davy Jones’s locker not to be able to visualize that happening to me while waist deep. No thank you.

holiday cheer

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I asked O what I should blog about and after we got past the “I don’t know what your even talking about, blogs” like I was talking to some ninety year old woman who says the word “blogs” with such utter disdain and sheer resentment for what the world has come to… sheesh you are four.

anyway we agreed I should write about funny stuff that happened over the holiday break. My funny compared to her funny may be a little different but she had a good idea mentioning our Christmas Elf – Flounder.

My kids got the shaft, actually it was just O because Flounder had been around longer than W. I was walking around Marshalls and saw this sorry looking Elf on the Shelf knock off brand and figured “who cares what it looks like, right?” Little did I know it was going to blow up into this huge Christmas tradition that everyone talks about. I feel bad because Flounder is so ugly, and a bit scary looking but I am scared the girls will freak out if I try to upgrade to the normal commercial Elves that everybody else has.

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The girls LOVE Flounder though and they are SO into Elf on the shelf. Grandmom babysat a few days before Christmas. I started getting frantic texts the girls were both hysterically crying she had accidentally knocked Flounder off the door frame and then TOUCHED HIM OMG.

I had to hide in an office and make the shape of the heart with my hands and text it back to O so she knew that code meant Flounder would still have enough Christmas magic to get back to Santa.

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I also ran out of “secret candy” the girls didn’t know about and started using some from our own stash and they were PISSED. O was like Flounder is a thief! 

Effing Flounder has it rough man. I get so annoyed with the shit I have to make Flounder do then clean up that I really lame out on his mischief. Our Elf is really laid back and typically very considerate of my time and energy.

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Other random funny shit.

Chris hiding on the ceiling then waiting patiently for me to walk in the bathroom to scare the hell out of me for no reason at all. I don’t know how long he had to wait. Weirdo.

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O using her birthday makeup to make W look like a hooker.

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A grown ass man riding a pink tricycle.

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swiper

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W has evolved overnight. She went from fragmented sentences to elaborate pretend play in like the blink of an eye. Her new favorite past time besides literally torturing the dogs by dragging them around the house on leashes and tying them to door knobs, is enacting scenes from the tv shows she watches. Right now she is swiper everything.

She will tell me to say “swiper, no swiping. swiper, no swiping.” then she will use this game as a valid excuse to launch something of value that I am currently doing across the room.

While I was hanging clothes in my closet she pulled shoes of my shoe rack and screamed “YOU’LL NEVER FIND THEM NOW” and threw them out of the closet. Thanks for that. This game sucks.

She threw my toothbrush in the bathtub the other night.

She takes the decorative wooden balls off the top of the dogs bed and throws them on the floor probably hoping I slip on them.

This is hilarious on so many levels. W playing swiper with Nika and then screaming at Lady to Be QUIET. Then W running for her life when Lady starts barking at the door, and poor Nika. Poor, poor Nika.

sorry santa

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I took the girls to see Santa last minute, literally just for the picture. I dressed them up and we waited an atrocious period of time to see him since we arrived on his “scheduled break”. Thanks a lot Cranberry Mall website for mentioning that.

Anyway we were next in line and W says “HOLD ME”.

I pick her up and she grabs a big chunk of my hair and breathes heavily in my ear and all over my neck as I squirm not knowing whether she will scream or bite me or what the heck she plans on doing…

She suddenly whispers “I’m going to poop on Santa’s lap.”

no words.

rockin royals

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The girls newest obsession is playing rockin royals. One is a princess and one is a pop star. But W keeps calling it a poptart and they both fight over being the poptart. In the photo above W got the shaft and had to play paparazzi. This is totally normal right?

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This is becoming a major issue at home though because W is at the I’m scared of the dark, and dogs barking, and loud noises, and shadows, and monsters, and bugs, and the ice maker, ok everything. so turn on the lights, as a matter of fact turn on every light in the house and also walk into the bathroom with me every time I have to pee.

And O is like “turn off all the lights in the house and shine a flashlight on me so I can sing and dance in the sole spot light like a typical amazing popstar should.”

and I am all like “both of you STOP FIGHTING and go downstairs I’m trying to watch The Grimm.”

Here is the perfect example of what my two children look like terrified in the dark. What is going on here? They had all the lights out with a flashlight shining in their faces and the had their ipad set up on the coffee table. The reflection of the flashlight is on the wall above them – it looks creepy too, like an alien orb or something.

Look at their faces! That does not look like fun. I walked by and was like “are you watching something scary!”

The both just said “noooo. dora the explorer.”

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bling

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Daddy was on daycare duty while O was at an audition a few weeks ago. He text me this adorable picture of W enjoying her new favorite place sweet frog frozen yogurt.

 

awww cute.

Then he text me back and says “notice anything?”

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Oh god, new baby earrings!!! So adorable!! C has to do that stuff because I can’t watch. He said her eyes got all big and when they walked away she looked him square in the eye and said “They HURT me”. Sooooo sad 🙁

I was really unsure if she would keep them in or mess with them because she didn’t really ask for them like O did. But She loved them! She kept showing everybody “Look at my earrings.” She was so proud and she even twists them herself.

wondering stuff

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Do you ever wonder about very deep, random stuff? The existence of man and the depths of the universe? There is such small small small stuff, like an atom and then such large large large concepts like a galaxy. It’s hard for my small mind to wrap around. I’m usually so busy with the really important shit in my own world, like oh damn I have to cook dinner again, when will this ever end? I don’t often have time to just wonder about stuff, plus it creeps me out real bad.

O mentioned something to me today in the car and it made me remember a concept I spent a lot of time thinking about in my younger days, she said something like “oh look the grass is green again” or something to that effect and it made me curious if she was seeing the same colors I was. As well as briefly wonder, what was the color of the grass before it became green again?

It’s one of those mind *uck’s man will never, I will never understand. Scientists probably tested this stuff long ago and I am just behind the times. But if people can be color blind and not even know it then there has to be a chance I see green and someone else sees blue but we are trained to recognize our colors to be called what they are. Is this even a thing? Can this be possible? Am I high right now? Maybe. I do feel a bit jittery and feverish. As I even started typing this for absolutely no purpose but because I have been really MIA lately on the blog all these things keep popping in my head, like what about instincts, what the fuck are those? How do we have instincts still? And how am I sick right now, this is total bullshit. How can I be sick and people walking on the damn moon? It’s not right, seriously.