This morning I got an email from a clothes store I haven’t thought of since 2008. It said “Still there?” Why, yes, I am still here, hanging on to my sanity with tweezers, living that wine life. Thanks for asking.

This place was a frequent stop for me in my early/mid-twenties when things were firmer, higher and I had basically no bills, responsibility or apparent style. Let’s just say “less is more” doesn’t apply to these frocks or prices. Damn Gina.

  This is the dress that showed up in my email and I was totally like, OMG so cute. But c’mon, lets be real… can I wear this? Nope. It is certainly cute, but I would personally have a under boob cleavage line in that little key hole that would be less than attractive. However, if I were still breast feeding I could probably pop a nipple out of that little key hole pretty easy and get the job done.

I was intrigued by the dress none the less, so I clicked on the email link, thereby verifying my email and probably sealing my spam fate from this day hence forth. Cursed to receive junk mail at all hours of the day and night.

The Rundown

   Somehow I thought “Surplice” read “Surplus“, which if it were the latter it may fit my huge sagging chest testicles, but alas I have poor reading skills apparently. I honestly don’t even know what surplice means. I do know what bodysuit means though – and that translates to wedgies and I’ll take no part.

 This. Is. So. Cute. But how do you get to the bathroom on time? Bladder control is a skill that has been regrettably dulled by the acts of child birth. My Kegel practice has kept me from humiliating myself in public thus far but I don’t need to add a mathematical equation to the act of making it to the loo on time for a risky sneeze or a coughing fit, thanks.

 Who wears short shorts? Not I, said the duck, the fly, the fox, the cat, the little red hen, and any woman with a pancake arse, like me.

 Now this is my style. I could wear this. I’m not sure what it is, maybe a nursing cover up? But I like it. Sassy, comfortable and black like my soul.

  Someone is going to get fired for this mishap. Printing images of damaged goods, shame. I wouldn’t even bother trying to sew that collar back onto the sleeve, thats an awful tear.

 What’s better than $50 leggings on sale for $36.75? I’ll tell you in case you can’t figure this out, buying 5 pair of leggings from Old Navy for $5.00 each and then going to eat lunch at Panera! Whoop, Whoop. That’s how I roll.

 When in doubt, add a satin bow. That is the philosophy of all maternity clothing designers, and after your breasts travel south for their eternal resting place there will be no ability (I say ability but what I mean is point) to wearing a dainty bow tied around the middle of the gift that is your new bod.

 Is this considered business casual? Can I wear this to a project meeting? A briefing? I wonder what my coworkers would think if I was presenting my power point in this power piece.

 This outfit really spoke to me, it is a true artistic representation of my life. Trying to be classy and sophisticated whilst simultaneously feeling the constant weight of the shackles of responsibility, and being pulled in every direction all while feeling as though I don’t have enough fabric to cover my bosom. “Fabric” represents money in this metaphor in case you missed it.

oops, she forgot a blouse under that jacket. She remembered her jewels though and that’s whats important. Guess this happens to some girls…?

 She found this dress in her moms closet and ripped the shoulder pads out, and I love it. Nothing is better than sequins except maybe those mermaid sequins that can be rubbed up and down to expose different colors and allegedly relieve anxiety and stress. OMG. If this was a mermaid sequin dress I would buy it and wear it everyday. I could see myself also rubbing my boobs all the time to relieve anxiety.

 I LOVE THIS. I’m going to buy it now and just plan to lose the appropriate amount of weight this year so I can wear it for Christmas dinner. And Thanksgiving because its really expensive so I need to get some use out of it… and New Years even though I go to bed at 9:00… I might just sleep in it, nightly.

 This is the sexiest sweatsuit I ever saw. Really. I put on sweats and look like a sloppy AF Walmart shopper and she looks like a runway model. Maybe it’s because she has on heels with her sweats? I need to try that. Note to self, wear heels with sweats to look ultra sexy. Also, Note – buy some heels.

This place has some really cute, cute clothes but all I see when I imagine wearing this dress anywhere, is a scene from Final Destination where I bend over and it starts a cataclysmic effect on the universe where innocent men, women and children are impaled by buttons which have exploded off mr dress from the pressure of my body being stuffed into it like a sausage. I wouldn’t be able to make any moves, like how my cat stands stiff as a board when I put a sweater on her. Its not only sad but life threatening. Hard Pass.

This is a sad, sad day for me to realize that I just can’t wear the clothes I used to rock out in when I was young. A constant reminder that I am under no obligation, nor do I have the time or energy to dress to impress anyone anymore. It’s all about the comfort these days, and control, and spanx help with that part.