An open letter to my children’s father.

Dear C,

I want to express my sincerest apologies with respect to the athletic portion of our children’s genetic make. At least they are cute, right? I genuinely hope you understood the chances of our kids getting your weird animalistic athletic genes was a low 50/50 gamble to begin with, plus due to the fact that my genes are far less capable of general athletic coordination than the average individual I feel the girls were at a disadvantage from day 1. I’ve done you an injustice and I am sorry for that. But let’s look at the cup half full shall we? Let’s look at this as an opportunity to bond at our children’s expense, their lack of athletic capabilities over the next eighteen years is sure to provide us some real great family home video footage. Just check out these samples I’ve attached for your viewing pleasure below. Sure, it will be difficult for the girls but there is always the math club, or debate team. Maybe we can even win America’s funniest home videos or something? Now that would be some shit.

love, me.

Even the gymnastics teacher was like, “what the f—-”

There is no excuse, it’s just genetic inferiority. Sorry kids.

As always, feel free to share this with your friends, or anyone else who has unathletic kids, or athletic ones, whatever. Also, don’t forget to sign up to receive new posts and updates as they are released!