I’m really trying to improve my health and well-being so, I started taking yoga. According to the internet, which never lies, Yoga cures everything and I have lots of problems so this should be a great match. Honestly, I never really liked yoga before, I thought it was boring and lame and I preferred more vigorous work out classes like body pump. But now I’m old and I do old people things like eat cashews as a snack and wear a robe during the day. I even put sour cream on my baked potato the other day, which is a total old person thing, no offense. I read somewhere as you get older your tastes expand because you lose taste buds. Meaning, when your old you eat gross stuff because you can’t taste it. I guess I will know when I’m about to kick it once I start enjoying those breads with the gelled fruit suspended in them. But back to the point – YOGA.

WTF. Guys, yoga is hard AF. Maybe if I had started it in my twenties I could have done all the cool poses like dancers pose, but now I am like a brittle pretzel instead of a soft pliable pretzel and when I try to do these poses I look at myself in the mirror and I am like Oh. My. Goodness. You. Suck.

I will say that I have improved somewhat over the past few weeks. I’ve been going to class pretty regularly now and I can move through the easy poses pretty fluently by just hearing the teacher saying them instead of having to constantly watch what the heck she is doing but it’s still really hard. Here are some of the poses I suck at;

Downward Dog. I legitimately suck at this pose. I have no hamstring flexibility and don’t have any clue what “tilt your hips up” really means. I probably look like a humping dog trying to tilt my hips while bent over with my knees kind of bent due to lack of flexibility. I really hate this pose and it’s supposed to be a relaxing pose. Not so much.

Warrior II. Like a high lunge but your back foot is turned 90 degrees. My foot will not turn 90 degrees. I get a cramp so bad and then it essentially looks like I am not even strong enough to stand in a high lunge. What is wrong with my body? It must be ruined from having kids.

Bridge. Lay on your back and push up your pelvis. Believe it or not I discovered I have less shoulder flexibility than hammy flexibility if that’s possible. I can hardly get my ass off the ground. It feels good and high then I look in the mirror and I’m like – seriously? That’s it?

Camel. Kneel and then reach back and grab your ankles. Sounds easy. Looks easy. Isn’t a damn bit easy I promise.

Crow. Do a deep squat, put your hands down and then place your knees on your triceps. Just writing that sounds impossible. The woman in front of me in class did a major face plant out of this pose. Ouch.

Shoulder stand. Google it. I could motor boat my own boobs in this position. Classy.

Plow Pose. I almost died.

Bow. Lie on your stomach, lift chest, lift legs and grab your ankles. You look like a bow. I look like I’m hog tied.

Tripod Head Stand. My teacher says “anyone can do this!” (except me). She didn’t say “you can’t do this” but her face looked like she was thinking it. My teacher is dumbfounded, I am dumbfounded. I can tripod, that’s all. No Handstand. What’s “core strength” and how do I get some?

Corpse. Lie flat on your back. Period. Now this one I can do. I fell asleep doing this at the end of class more than once. How embarrassing.

I really don’t know how I feel about my yoga journey. I mean, I really like yoga pants so I feel like I should keep going with my practice mostly so I can keep wearing my yoga pants. I just got a few more pairs for Christmas and it would be a waste to not wear them. I guess I will keep at it a little longer and see if I get any better.

I even tried to record my practice thinking I would see improvement but that was a horrible idea. It reminded me of the time I was giving birth and they said, “show her the mirror so she can see the baby come out…” also a horrible idea. The only benefit I got out of videoing my practice was the shot of me in forward fold and Waverly coming up behind me and goosing me. That was great. Other than that, I looked like a grandma performing a very slow and uncoordinated break dance routine.

This is a shot of me at class. No one else showed up. Unless they saw me through the window and decided to yoga in a different room. I’m like the kid that gets picked last in gym class because I suck at sports and smell weird. And it’s all true, I do suck at sports – and there is a high probability that I may in fact smell weird because sometimes I forget the laundry in the washer for many, many days and it does smell weird.